Bag Lady

Too many transactions play out this way:

Me: Ok, you're all set. Would you like a bag?
Customer: Well, yesss. It's raining.

How I wish these transactions would end:

Me: Ok, you're all set. Would you like a bag?
Customer: Well, yesss. It's raining.
Me: Oh, IS IT? I guess I had just totally missed looking out any of the 4 plate glass windows I have surrounding me to take a look at the current precipitation status. I asked you if you wanted a bag, not for a fucking weather report.

A few words about complimentary gift-wrap

As the world economy dips and dives, we all have come to know that so few things in this world come free. Complimentary goods and services are swiftly going the way of the Dodo. Then of course there's one of my mother's favorite phrases: "there's no such thing as a free lunch!" Having said this, it's reasonable to assume that, upon discovering a free service at your local bookstore, you'll be at the very least pleasantly surprised and--hopefully--even a little appreciative. You want that book wrapped for Christmas, Hanukkah, a birthday, Flag Day, Festivus? Please, allow me! Despite the cheerful attitude and prompt response time, we find ourselves all too often presented with one of the most infamous, terrifying, and beastly of all retail animals: the overly-entitled free gift-wrap hound. In a perfect world, I would be able to tell some of these special characters how I feel about their despicable behavior. Since I can't do that, I'll just list them here.

In no particular order:

• Hovering over my shoulder while I'm trying to wrap your book and get you out of here will not help me finish faster or do a better job. In fact, in all likelihood it will do the opposite. Does this strategy typically work for you? I doubt it. Give me some space, please.
• I promise to take the price tags off. Amazingly, I understood that it was important to you the first of the twelve times you mentioned it.
• No. I'm not making you a bow. Get over it.
  
• Oh goodness, I'm sorry our FREE wrapping paper choices aren't to your liking! What were we thinking not consulting you first? After all, your taste is vastly superior to ours. Here's a thought: since the paper is so important to you anyway, how about you wrap it your damn self?
• Please do us a favor and refrain from coming in on Christmas Eve asking us to wrap birthday gifts for you. Christmas. Eve.
  
• We all here understand that our store may not carry all the items for your gifting needs. We're not unreasonable. In fact, on my occasions we will call over to the toy store in town for you to check an item's availability. I'd call this generous. These things do NOT mean, however, that you should bring in gifts purchased at other stores and ask us to wrap them. Do I LOOK like an elf to you? Don't answer that.
• It's called a tip people.

In all fairness, most of our customers are pleasant and grateful when we offer to wrap their gifts for them. Likewise, we enjoy wrapping! It's festive and fun and allows us in some small way to get our creative ya-ya's out at work. However, offering complimentary gift-wrapping is unfortunately no exception to the rule: one or two bad beans seem to spoil the whole bag.

Happy Holidays!

Sunday Insanity

'tis the season...for frantic and impatient customers all approaching the register en masse after browsing the store for half an hour...why they all swarm like this, I'll never know. Some sort of weird group mentality...they see one person checking out and suddenly they remember the hundred other Very Important things they must do with their Very Important lives that day....

Anyway. So yesterday, I get a frantic phone call from my harried coworker who sounds nearly in tears as she tells me the gift cards are malfunctioning and the crowds are overwhelming. After walking her through fixing the gift cards, I headed into work early to help her. I send her to get coffee and take a breather, because at the moment it was semi-calm. As usual, not a good idea. I got mobbed, of course. I have a line of about five people, and of course the first three want a stack of books wrapped. The first two agree to wait patiently, but the third just wants a calendar wrapped, and was too absorbed in her own head to notice that she had two people ahead of her in the wrapping line. I tell her this, but she proceeds to hold up her sale describing in great detail exactly what she wants done with her calendar, which is to wrap it in paper, then another layer of inside out paper so she can write on it and mail it...all this while still holding her credit card, so I can't finish the sale and get anything else done. Helpful.

So eventually, I get her rung through and shuffled aside, and am still in the middle of ringing people out. She asks me repeatedly to wrap her effing calendar, and I explain that my coworker will be right back, and that will speed things up. Poor L. walks back in the store and is immediately attacked by this woman, who makes L. listen to her ENTIRE speech about the particulars of calendar wrapping and then makes her wrap the calendar before the other two people in line. L didn't even have time to take off her coat! Ugh.

Luckily the other two people were ok with waiting, and didn't seem to notice in the chaos that this lady jumped them in line.

Also, I enjoy the fact that not one copy of Michael Crichton's Pirate Latitudes had sold or even been talked about until I moved it to the "New Arrivals" table, and then I promptly sold one. Win. :)

A book called Too Much Money just came in. The people in this town should relate to that.

Bring on the cookies.

No, I will not dig through your purse looking for double-sided tape

I'm sorry we don't have a book on dream interpretation for your very last-minute birthday gift needs. I'm sorry you had time to go get a manicure before popping into our store 8 minutes before closing time to fly around like a tornado rambling incoherently about running late. I'm even sorry that I wrapped your gift (for free) in our standard gift wrap and did not attach a fluffy bow, which you later rather rudely demanded. But I will not apologize for refusing to dig through your purse on a desperate search for double-sided tape so that we can attach a fairy charm to the outside of your lame "Girlfriends" gift book. Your nails are wet, I get it. You're clearly a very important person. But I won't do it, and I'm not sorry. Furthermore, what the Hell are you doing carrying around double-sided tape in your purse? Get out of this store, and don't come back.

"It needs to be here by Friday."

Listen: if you are going to demand that your special-order arrives Friday, make me swear that it arrives Friday, tell me that you will be upset and disappointed and that I will ruin a child's Hanukkah if it doesn't arrive Friday, and then I pull your book out of the box first thing on Friday and call you to say it's here, it is NOT ok for you to tell me that you're going to pick it up next week.
I am very, very disappointed in you.

Round one

Amidst co-worker rantings tonight, we decided that we need to take our stories on the road. These customers, events, and self-published nightmares are just too good to keep to ourselves. Anonymously, we will vent our frustration here in hopes of more cheerfully surviving the Holiday season!

Rant away!

C.